Harry Potter and the Truth About the Veil
by criminally charmed
Summary: What could have happened with the Veil in the Department of Mysteries if JKR had been as warped and twisted as I am.


Harry Potter and the Truth about the Veil

_Disclaimer - JK Rowling owns HP, Jim Henson (nice guy, met him once, rest his soul) owns - well, his family does - the Muppets. _

Harry Potter ran into a room in the Department of Mysteries, Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom – the later with his nose still swollen from the earlier firefight with the Deatheaters – close behind them. They knew Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange – two of Voldemort's most loyal followers – were nearby and the trio had already had to leave a wounded Hermoine Granger, Ron and Ginny Weasley behind. The only way they could get their friends help was to make it out of here alive.

"This is all my fault," Harry muttered. Why had he fallen for this? Sirius was probably fine…

Harry stopped; staring at the archway perched upon a stone dais with a tattered veil moving with a non-existent breeze. At first the teen could hear a murmur of voices from people that were not there. Then the music began.

Luna smiled as the tune played. The ethereal girl began to softly sing a song Harry had never imagined a Pureblood witch would know.

"It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet show tonight…"

Neville stared at his fellow DA members when Harry was compelled to join her, ignoring the two Deatheaters who ran into the room after them.

"It's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight."

Bellatrix and Lucius stared at the singing duo. "They've lost their minds," Malfoy murmured. "I always thought Lovegood's brat was as nutty as her sire, but I thought Potter was made of stronger things than that."

"It's his mudblood mother," Bellatrix sneered as she approached the trio. Neville had placed himself defensively between his two friends and the madwoman who had driven his parents to insanity.

"Stay back," Neville said bravely, even if his voice held a slight tremor. But the words were drowned out by the sound of an approaching motorcycle.

"Sirus?" Harry murmured, his godfather having told him that Hagrid had returned his beloved flying motorcycle earlier in the year. But the noise was coming from the veil, overwhelming the music.

Suddenly, a voice cried out, "Oh, yeah!" and a furry creature wearing a motorcycle helmet and a white jumpsuit flew out of the veil, crashing into the two Deatheaters.

"Harry!" a new voice shouted out and suddenly Sirus Black, Remus Lupin and Tonks ran into the room, stopping short at the sight of Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange struggling to their feet while a purplish-blue furry creature stood up, removing his helmet.

"Wow!" Gonzo the Great cried out. "That was my best landing EVER!"

"Think he's related to Snape?" Sirius murmured. "I mean, with that nose…"

Remus' response was stilled by a new voice calling out through the veil. "Gonzo? Gonzo are you alright?"

A walking, talking, frog climbed through the veil. "Wow. I've never seen this part of the Muppet Theater."

"Kermit!" Luna said happily. She bent down to hug the frog. "I haven't seen you since we moved from Sesame Street."

"Yes, well," Kermit blustered, "I've moved as well. I'm not a reporter any more, I work in the theater now."

"That's wonderful, Kermit," Luna beamed. "Daddy will – Is that a wild snorkack?"

Kermit looked over his shoulder and sighed. "No – he's just wild."

A creature that looked like a Weasley had mated with a house elf – and considering how addled Ron was at the moment, it was possible – peered out of the veil. "Ha ha ha," Animal chuckled at the astonished faces in front of him before his eyes widened at the sight of Bellatrix.

"Woman?" he said in his husky tones.

"Lady," Gonzo said softly, "I would run if I were you."

"Listen you – _thing," _Bellatrix began only for Gonzo to interrupt.

"Oh, you sweet talker, you!" the Muppet grinned. "But I prefer my women with a bit more plumage."

"I am Bellatrix Lestrange," she sneered. "I am of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's Inner Circle. Why would I listen to the likes of you?"

"Because," Gonzo explained. "That is Animal. Anyone with any sanity runs with him. Heck, even I run from him."

"Well, that explains why Bella isn't running," Sirius said cheerfully. "She lost what little sanity she had in Azkaban."

Animal, who had been straining at a chain, yanked free and ran through the veil. "Woman! Woman! Woman!"

Bellatrix's eyes went wide and she ran in the opposite direction, Animal running after her, continuing his mantra of "Woman! Woman! Woman!"

"Oh, Kermie," a soft, girly voice came out the veil. A pig with long blonde hair and haut couture clothes climbed out of the veil, sitting on the circle and holding a gloved hand out to Kermit. "Do help me out of this thing, will you, Kermie?"

The frog helped the pig down like the gentleman – um, gentle-amphibian – that he was. "Piggy, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine, Luna Lovegood. Luna lived for a while on Sesame Street while her father – a rather respected journalist – wrote a story about the Snuffleuplegus."

"Just a friend?" Miss Piggy said in a charming tone, with the undertone of a threat running through it. "Well, any friend of Kermie's is a friend of mine. I am Miss Piggy," she said, throwing her hair back. "Star of stage and screen. Of course, you know me."

Harry, Luna and Tonks all nodded while Sirius, Malfoy and Remus continued to stare at the assorted Muppets.

"Where is Animal?" Miss Piggy asked. "I was holding onto his chain for Floyd when he lurched away from me. Well, I wasn't going to risk my manicure, was I?"

"He's -" Harry began only to stop when Bellatrix ran back through the room, screaming as Animal followed close on her heels, yelling "Woman! Woman! Woman!"

"Oh how, nice – Animal made a new friend," Piggy beamed.

"Look Statler," an old man said as he peaked through the veil. "I told you the Veil was still here."

"So it is, Waldorf," an equally elderly gentleman said. The pair gingerly started to crawl through the veil, with Harry and Neville helping them down.

"Nice kids," Statler said. "What are they doing with the Muppets?"

"I'm Harry Potter, sir," Harry said politely. "And this is Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, Sirus Black, Remus Lupin and Nym – um, Tonks. Just Tonks."

"Well, hello Miss JustTonks," Waldorf said in a pseudo-suave manner. "Ah, the lovely English roses. We were here in England many years ago. It was during the War."

"With Voldermort?" Sirius asked.

"Who?" Statler said. "No, during World War Two. You must be Wizards if you are here. We were working the theater tour for the USO when we were arrested and accused of being part of Grindenwald's evil plot."

"Didn't even know who he was or that magic was real," Waldorf grumbled. "Next thing we know we are arrested, convicted and offered the choice of going through a veil or heading to a wizarding prison."

"If we knew the Veil was a door to the Muppet Theater and we'd be trapped there for the rest of our lives we would have chose Azkaban," Statler moaned.

Piggy had spotted Lucius Malfoy and moved over to him. "Pardon moi, but who is this enchanting man?"

The others looked like they would be sick but before they could say anything, Lucius snarled, "Back off you side of bacon!" The man was tense as he could feel his Dark Lord approach and failed to recognize the more imminent threat.

"What did you say," Miss Piggy said in a dangerous voice.

"I said get away from me you filthy -erk…"

Lucius was cut off as the elegant swine cried out, "HI-YAH!" and drove a high-heeled karate kick into the aristocrat's crotch.

"Ooh," every male – even Gonzo – groaned in sympathy as the blonde Deatheater fell to the ground clutching his groin.

Bellatrix ran back through the room again, still screaming as Animal followed close on her heels, yelling "Woman! Woman! Woman!"

Once the pair was gone again, Dumbledore entered through one doorway while Voldemort came in the other direction.

"Tom!" Dumbledore said calmly while the Dark Lord growled, "Do not call me that!" The two mighty wizards raised their wands just as a fish came flying through the veil, knocking Dumbledore to the floor. Voldemort quickly ducked, with the fish knocking out the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, still in his pajamas as he ran into the room.

Lew Zealand peeked out of the veil. "Oopsie. My fish got away from me," he chuckled as he grabbed the fish once more. "Sorry about that."

The Muppet disappeared with his boom-a-rang fish in his fist.

Voldemort looked at the unconscious Leader of the Light and stepped forward in a menacing manner. "No Dumbledore to save you this time, Harry Potter. It's time you join your dear, mudblood mother." The Dark Lord raised his wand, ignoring the Order members who tried to place themselves between the school children and Voldemort.

"I will blow all of you up so easily," Voldemort hissed.

"Did you say blow up?" a new voice emerged from the veil as a wild-haired man suddenly popped up beside the Dark Lord.

"Duck!" Kermit yelled as the Muppets, school children and Order members all fell to the ground just as an explosion rocked the room. When they raised their heads, the dust was settling over what was left of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"Sorry about that," Kermit said.

"Are you kidding?" Tonks gasped. "Crazy Harry just took out Voldemort."

"Really, Nymphadora," Dumbledore said as he struggled to his feet. "You shouldn't call Harry such things. The poor boy has been through so much this year."

As Fudge struggled to his feet, he failed to notice Lucius as he crawled away – Lucius always seemed to get away.

"Was that -?" the Minister asked in a bewildered tone.

"That," Dumbledore said pompously, "was the Dark Lord who you denied had returned. Harry Potter stopped him, his love for his friends enough to stop Voldemort himself."

"Is he serious?" Piggy said incredulously.

"No," Sirius said with a grin. "That would be me."

The others groaned at that as Dolores Umbridge ran into the room. "Minister!" the woman cried out. "Minister, Harry Potter – has -" she gasped at the sight in front of her. But before she could say anything, Kermit gave a friendly wave.

"Cousin Dolores!" he cried out excitedly. "It's good to see you again!"

The erstwhile professor fainted before Harry even had a chance to make any horse hoof sounds like he wanted to.

"Well, we better be going," Kermit said. "We have a seven o'clock show."

"Coming, Kermie," Piggy said as she joined the frog as the veil. He helped her through while Remus and Sirius stood to help Waldorf and Statler through the arch.

"Think it's too late to pick Azkaban?" Waldorf asked.

"You wouldn't survive it," Remus said kindly.

"At least it would be over quick," Statler said before he jumped through.

"Yeah," Waldorf groaned. "The Muppets go on forever."

As the old man disappeared, Gonzo pushed his bike up to the arch, smiling at Tonks when she helped him pick it up. "Nice hair," he grinned at her bubblegum colored tresses. "Too bad you aren't a chicken." With that he disappeared through the veil.

"It was nice to see you again, Luna," Kermit said. "I'll be seeing you." That said, he disappeared as well, leaving behind the wizards.

Dumbledore drew himself up, about to make a pompous proclamation when suddenly a screaming Bellatrix ran into the room, Animal hot on her trail. She leapt through the veil with Animal crying "Woman! Woman! Woman!" He peaked back out one last time with a bizarre chuckling before saying "Woman!" and disappearing as well.

"Well, Dumbledore," Fudge said, "we must go to assure the Wizarding World. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is finally gone for good, thanks to young Harry here."

The Leader of the Light beamed at his protégé, patting Harry on the shoulder. "I knew you could do it, my boy." Dumbledore and Fudge headed out, anxious to alert the media.

"But – but that's not what happened," Harry gasped, looking around at his friends.

"I know, Harry," Luna said reasonably. "But who would believe the truth?"

"Not to mention," Remus said, "as the hero who destroyed Voldemort, you can get Sirius a trial. Fudge is going to eventually remember he saw Sirius Black in here."

"Yep," Sirius said as they strolled out of the room. "And maybe for summer vacation we can go visit those Muppets. See if Miss Piggy has a friend."

"Siri," Remus groaned. "We have to find you a girlfriend – even if just for a night."

And that night was celebrated throughout the Wizarding World as the Day Harry Destroyed Voldemort.

If no one knew which Harry had done it, it didn't seem to matter.

A/N - the result of a bad day.


End file.
